I’m going to make an effort to start exorcising my demons sharing my thoughts here on my blog a bit more. It had always been intended for that, but like so many avenues as my thoughts became darker I’ve leaned towards promoting the music more than expressing myself. I understand if you don’t give a flying fuck about this, and I don’t blame you. Artists in general (and I do NOT exclude myself) are typically pretty self-absorbed.

Since my mom died, nothing has seemed real. Each success is numbed by her absence and every trial doomed by it. My wanderlust is at an all time high, and I have no resources to go anywhere, be it the vacation time or the money. I may have to move home due to lack of funds and while I very much love the people who live at the house I own, there’s a lot of reasons why moving back there doesn’t seem right for me.

Somebody call a wahhmbulance right? Not so much. This is good because I’m realizing this, and I’m talking about it. That itself is an indication that I’m moving forward, and I’ve also booked an absurd amount of shows and started writing again. Also, I’ve finished the song that is a tribute to her on my new album, and that in and of itself puts me on a good footing for trying to figure out where to go. My mother knows that this is all I’ve ever done, and this is all I will ever be. I may as well embrace it for her, if not myself after all these years.

I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing love(s) that I can’t really FEEL. That sounds brutal, I know, but I don’t have anything else I can say about it that would be honest. But without these people who’ve reached out, listened to me, proactively tried to understand where I’m at…I don’t know where I’d be, or in what condition. I’m sure I haven’t loved the people who love me right back properly, but I’ve never done that. That love is shared for my quietest moments alone. I appreciate that they’ve done this for me, but I don’t want them to think they own my misery or that I own their pity. If I’ve pulled away at all, it’s because the place I’m at can’t be visited for too long or they lock the doors behind you and you’ve probably got other loved ones to see.

November will be hard. Very fucking hard. And I’m going to rap, sing and play my way through it. It’s all I’ve ever done.